New moon is released tomorrow. Twilight Two: The sequel. Now I realise women are going to hate me for this and especially THE woman is going to hate me for this but what the fuck has happened to the modern vampire? The genre is fucked. They have, it seems, cut the balls off of Dracula.
Some clarification is needed here. When I was young I wanted to be a vampire. I would have loved to be a vampire. The scene that clinched it for me was the window scene from Salem’s Lot. The kiddie floating at the window begging to be let in. Those fucked up soulless eyes. What can I say I was a fucked up kid.
Vampires were cool. Look at Blade. Vampires don’t give a fuck. Vampires don’t need to give a fuck. They eat people for Gods sake. They are top of the food chain.
Dracula was a metaphor for sexual temptation. The lure of corruption. His bite ment death but it also gave his victims the biggest orgasm of their life. They went from innocent Victorian girls to sexual predators. The vampires bite freed you from all society’s constraints. You no longer had to obey anyone else’s rules. Dracula gave you the ultimate freedom to stand apart and do what ever you damn well pleased. You were strong, immortal, your eyes hypnotic you could have anybody you wanted. Feared yet totally irresistible you became a true creature of the night in every sense of the word. Very appealing to a 14 year old boy.
So what’s happened? Why now do vampires now hang around schools falling in love with miserable 16 year old Emo chicks. How can vampires sparkle in daylight? Vampires should be spontaneously combusting in daylight not sparkling. He’s not a necklace he’s the living fucking dead. Incidentally why is a 90 year old guy hanging around a school falling in love with barely legal girls? I’m sixty years younger than Edward and if I tried that they’d be calling the police. What does he see in her? Why would anyone over the age of twenty want to date a teenager. It would be carnage. He has the life experience of a 90 year old he would, in truth, run a mile.
Edward is a pussy. He doesn’t bite people. He wears skinny jeans and he falls in love with the first girl that looks at him. That is so cool isn’t it? Like the grandparents who fought Hitler, who despair at their moaning, teary, weak grandchildren, Dracula must look at Edward and think what the fuck happened. Is this my legacy? This pussy is what I’ve become. Top trump (killing power 100) to soppy teenage wank fantasy in a hundred years. I’m wondering, as I write, if the werewolves in this new film are also vegetarian?
There was a time when Goths modelled themselves on vampires. It seems now vampires are modelled on Goths.
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