Jorden has left the jungle. By, by Katie it was fun but shit happens darling. Incidentally what the fuck were you thinking!
I’m being a little hypocritical here because I love the whole Katie Price road show. The tabloid bullshit. It amuses my highly the same way the whole Jade Goodey phenomenon did. Stupid people in the public eye doing themselves no favours. It’s funny. It gives as all a reason to be cheerful.
The poetic bookending of Jade destroying herself on the same show that made her was mesmerising. I watched gawping. It was nasty and racist and horrible and nobody involved even had an inkling of what they were doing. Give a chav enough rope...
There was stuff in the paper about Jade being a nasty cunt when she was in big brother the first time. Jade bullied me stories. They kind of went away without anyone noticing. All the evidence was there. You can’t polish a turd but you can cover it in icing sugar I suppose.
I didn’t feel sorry for Jade when she died. There was the irony that she got diagnosed in India, the home of karma, but I couldn’t muster much empathy. The women had had health problems for years and not visited her doctor. Her cancer was operable and curable but she couldn’t be fucked. To busy fucking her boy/man, trophy/retard boyfriend.
Women seemed to feel sorry for her. The whole she has kids, I have kids, it could be me thing. Yeah it could be you girls if you left any health concerns two years before you consulted a professional.
Jades gone now so we’re spared more pain. Her ex junkie ex whore mother occasionally still rocks up but slowly, slowly she’s fading from view. As is Jack Tweed, who has to rape someone to get into the papers nowadays.
Life would be boring wouldn’t it but luckily for us we still have Jorden.
You’ve got to love Katie haven’t you? Not in a sexual way obviously because she’s hideous (who jerks off to Jorden pictures. Who ever fucking did? Why ruin your day like that?).
You’ve got to love her lack of self view. The inability to stand out side of herself and actually see what she looks like.
She must read the papers and even though, no doubt she feels, the papers get stuff wrong she has be aware the ordinary unaffected people believe every fucking word of it.
So if you juxtapose pictures of her getting pissed up in Ibiza surrounded by blokes and pictures of Pete in Cyprus surrounded by the kids and his mum who’s going to look like a cunt?
Katie, Katie, Katie. She isn’t helped by the fact she hasn’t got the most warming of voices. She sounds like she’s going to start on someone whenever she opens her mouth. That whole arroga-chav sound.
There are those that think she’s very savvy and very smart. That she’s built herself up to where she is now by pure grit and determination. Really? Breast enlargement and soft porn? Nothing to do with luck then?
Surely Katie Price is the human manifestation of the reality TV, untalented celeb, footballers’ wife culture of the last decade. The point at people. I’m doing it now aren’t I? I’m actually doing it. I’m saying look at her what a cunt.
Moment of introspection...
The honest truth is we love freaks. We love the schadenfraude because we’re twisted like that. We like to point and laugh and feel better about ourselves. Being rich and famous would be fun but none of us will achieve that so when someone does and they’re an idiot we feel a perverse delight.
That’s why the British public enjoyed torturing Jorden on I’m a celebrity. No one wants to know the real Katie Price, the soft motherly, kind, part of herself she wanted to project. Nobody cares about that they’ve already made their minds up.
They now have their opinion on her.
This is the woman who drank through her first pregnancy. Look at the poor kid born blind.
The woman has become very rich on her notoriety. She’s courted it, played up to it and but now, when she’s feeling shit, she wants a big national hug and it isn’t forthcoming. Sorry darling. You’re not very huggable.
We’ve got our opinions on her and she doesn’t disappoint. On leaving the jungle she dumped her boyfriend on live TV.
Lovely.
In a funny kind of way that’s Katie Price blowing us all a kiss. Her way of saying you all know I’m a cunt here’s something special for all of you to take to work tomorrow and have a good laugh over.
Thank you Katie, we wouldn’t want to meet you but we love you.
Thursday, 26 November 2009
Monday, 23 November 2009
Delusional reason monkeys
Everyone has read The God Delusion and it, it would seem, has released us from the archaic fantasy world in which we all lived before it was published.
I like Richard Dawkins. I like the pained look he has on his face when some creationist asks him a stupid question that he has to dignify with an answer. I like his pompous manner as he looks down on the lesser intelligence that he finds himself surrounded by. Poor old Richard, all he wants to do is tear down the belief systems of several billion people and all he gets is shit for it.
Dawkins is a very important figure in today’s world. If it wasn’t for the rise of radical Islam and their Christian brethren preaching intelligent design in the states we probably wouldn’t have heard of him. Dawkins brings to the table, along with Christopher Hitchens a total modern outlook on life. We are now in the age of reason and, who in their right mind, would have the arrogance to argue against reason.
Yeah you guessed it. Actually no. I have no problem with reason just some of the people that preach it.
I believe in God. I am a theist. Culturally I’m a Christian and although I am a modern, intelligent, inquisitive man I can still get very bronze age about certain subjects. I don’t think a belief in a higher power makes a person ignorant and I certainly don’t think teaching your children there is a God is tantamount to child abuse
It starts getting dodgy when you begin, injecting hell and damnation and guilt into those teachings. It gets really dodgy when you start putting more emphasis on the next world rather than this one. There are Christians working on starting world war three so they can realise the predictions of Revelations and achieve their own personal rapture.
Now I find this rather selfish of these Christians. Setting out to usher in the end of the world in order to bring Christ back and therefore ensure your own personal salvation doesn’t seem a very Christian act.
Rapture is when all the worthy, god fearing Christians will rise up to heaven. Physically rise up to heaven, not their souls, their bodies will be picked up by God and they will ascend to sit by his side. To this end they use their power and their influence to stir up tensions in the middle east because, lets be honest, if its going to kick off it’s going to kick off there.
The problem with all fundamentalists is they take the word of their particular religious book as truth. I was always taught the bible was ment to be taken metaphorically not as an exact version of events.
Even as a small kid I realised that people didn’t live for hundreds of years and the stories themselves were full of inconsistencies. (Adam and Eve are the first people created by God but when Cain kills Able Cain is banished to land of Nod. Cain fears he will be killed in exile. Who’s going to kill him? Clearly there are people other than his immediate family.)
Now to believe that God created Adam six thousand years ago out of dirt literally is a pretty extreme belief but there are millions of Christians that do. Unfortunately Dawkins bundles up all Christians together so along with these crazies even more, moderate, scientifically literate Christians, like me, get tarred with the same brush.
So I end up getting into discussions with God Delusion carrying reason monkeys who feel its there duty to tell you your wrong. Look, I don’t believe the world is six thousand years old. I know its four and a half billion years old. You don’t need to tell me the bible was written by ordinary people fleshing out a creation myth in a desert trying to make sense of their world because I’ve known this for years.
The thing with atheists today is they, now having found a voice and a rabbi in Dawkins, are in danger of adopting all the smug self-righteous certainty that the faithful have monopolised for years.
Science is a great tool that advances mankind. The scientific model has been instrumental in bringing us to where we are now. We do indeed stand on the shoulders of giants. We live off all that has gone before and because of it we live longer, happier lives in a comfort that our ancestors only dreamed about.
I get all this. I understand the universe needs no God. I understand it all operates quite nicely without an intervening deity. I understand how it evolved from the big bang, how all the laws of physics conspire to create stars, to blow them up in supernovas and to spew the heavier elements out to make us.
I’m not stupid but I’m still not prepared to admit I’m an accident of nature.
The galling thing is neither are most modern atheists. It seems to me they want their cake and to eat it. They are happy to put away their judgemental, authoritarian God however they want to keep all the good stuff. They want to keep their eternal soul. They are quite happy to know they’re not going to hell but the baulk at the idea that they won’t be going anywhere.
The modern atheist and I’ve spoken to more than one that believes this still wants to carry on living after their death. I have heard the argument that the laws of physics are compatible with carrying on your conscience existence after your body dies.
Sounds like a soul to me. Sounds rather religious.
They want to go onto a higher plane, a higher place but they just don’t want to meet God when they get there. The reason monkeys still don’t like the idea that when they die, under their rules, they die. That’s it game over. This is probably the chapter in The God Delusion they skimmed over. Dawkins himself has absolutely no problem with ceasing to exist after brain death.
‘I don’t believe in God but I believe in ghosts.’
Ok.
You’re kind of missing the point.
We’ve become the Gods of our own lives but unfortunately as our own God, making ourselves in our own image doesn’t guarantee us eternal salvation. All it means is we don’t have to follow a bronze age doctrine and won’t be judged according to it. We create our own heaven on earth, live our lives as we choose and then we die. No hell, no fire and brimstone but on the other hand no heaven, no angels and no relaxing, chilled out eternity in the clouds. Worm food. Go back and read Dawkins.
The problem seems to be despite living in a world of reason people get rather attached to themselves. They like their personality, they like what they think and they think they’re special.
We live in a culture where everyone is now led to believe they are some how unique and vital. Look at Jedward. They feel they have the right to their dreams, the right to work in an industry without any of the talents or skills which you’d expect them to posses.
Imagine surgeon idol. 12 wannabe surgeons without any of the skills or training to be a surgeon competing to get a job cutting people up at a hospital.
‘This has always been my dream Simon.’
Would you let them operate on you?
This is why the modern spiritual atheist shy’s away from Buddhism.
Personally I’m rather found of the Buddhist view of enlightenment and the eternal soul. When a Buddhist finally reaches enlightenment and breaks the cycle of re-incarnation their spirit rejoins the universe. Their spirit not their personality.
The personality, Buddhists believe, is a completely false construct that we create during our lives in order to manage them. A needy, whiney wanting computer programme whose sole purpose is to keep our body alive and re-produce.
When a Buddhist achieves enlightenment he/she abandons all earthly, human needs and desires. That’s all of them. Not just possessions and monies. Everything, human attachments, love, grief, sexual desire it all has to go. They leave their personality behind because it is the needs of the self that stops the spirit reaching enlightenment.
This grates against our self obsessed culture. So under the Buddhist model you will, eventually, achieve eternal life with enough work and discipline but it isn’t the you you understand as you because that you, the personality that everyone loves, will die. It merely being an artificial, false yet necessary body manager. The soul, the spirit is your part of the universes’ life force that your body borrows while it has its time on earth. It has no needs or cute quirks. It is elemental and constant.
Whenever I’ve explained this model to people I’ve watched their brows furrow and their noses wrinkle. The idea that they weren’t special, that they were merely a by-product of a much bigger process really irked them. The irony is that Dawkins would argue that we are anything but special. We are all very ordinary and our collective life mass and effect compared to and on the rest of the universe is next to negligible.
Dawkins will argue we’re not special we just really, really, really want to be. He would also say if it makes you happy to think that you are and it doesn’t effect anyone else, you go right ahead.
I’m reminded of the nurse in Weston who got into trouble for asking patients if they wanted her to pray for them. The Daily Mail made a big fuss about the oppression of Christians by the liberal secular society.
Personally I think it was right for her to be disciplined because it isn’t her job to pray for people. It’s her job to administer care, scientific care. If you were ill and your medical professional offered to pray for you you’d shit yourself.
Prayer is the last resort don’t you think?
Fundamentally I think she was wrong as a Christian to feel the need to ask permission. Nowhere in the bible does it state that you need a release form in order to pray for someone. In fact we are told to pray for our enemies so one would feel permission would not be a factor in bringing up a third party in your conversation with God.
What we really have here is a woman who wants everyone to know how pious she is. How god fearing and good and special she is. Asking permission was all about ego and nothing to do with God.
Shit Christian shit Buddhist.
I think my main point is this. We still haven’t put away the idea of God. What we have put away is the need to obey him, to live our lives in away that we would rather not. We don’t want to live by set down rules anymore however we still want all the good stuff promised to us by religion. We’re like naughty little children who want to misbehave all year but still get our Christmas presents.
Like I say I like Dawkins. What he has to say is necessary and intelligent and should be taught in schools. However if you’re going to quote him you have to take on all he has to say. You have to accept your mortality and understand that your time is finite.
You are going to die and then you will be gone. Forever.
I like Richard Dawkins. I like the pained look he has on his face when some creationist asks him a stupid question that he has to dignify with an answer. I like his pompous manner as he looks down on the lesser intelligence that he finds himself surrounded by. Poor old Richard, all he wants to do is tear down the belief systems of several billion people and all he gets is shit for it.
Dawkins is a very important figure in today’s world. If it wasn’t for the rise of radical Islam and their Christian brethren preaching intelligent design in the states we probably wouldn’t have heard of him. Dawkins brings to the table, along with Christopher Hitchens a total modern outlook on life. We are now in the age of reason and, who in their right mind, would have the arrogance to argue against reason.
Yeah you guessed it. Actually no. I have no problem with reason just some of the people that preach it.
I believe in God. I am a theist. Culturally I’m a Christian and although I am a modern, intelligent, inquisitive man I can still get very bronze age about certain subjects. I don’t think a belief in a higher power makes a person ignorant and I certainly don’t think teaching your children there is a God is tantamount to child abuse
It starts getting dodgy when you begin, injecting hell and damnation and guilt into those teachings. It gets really dodgy when you start putting more emphasis on the next world rather than this one. There are Christians working on starting world war three so they can realise the predictions of Revelations and achieve their own personal rapture.
Now I find this rather selfish of these Christians. Setting out to usher in the end of the world in order to bring Christ back and therefore ensure your own personal salvation doesn’t seem a very Christian act.
Rapture is when all the worthy, god fearing Christians will rise up to heaven. Physically rise up to heaven, not their souls, their bodies will be picked up by God and they will ascend to sit by his side. To this end they use their power and their influence to stir up tensions in the middle east because, lets be honest, if its going to kick off it’s going to kick off there.
The problem with all fundamentalists is they take the word of their particular religious book as truth. I was always taught the bible was ment to be taken metaphorically not as an exact version of events.
Even as a small kid I realised that people didn’t live for hundreds of years and the stories themselves were full of inconsistencies. (Adam and Eve are the first people created by God but when Cain kills Able Cain is banished to land of Nod. Cain fears he will be killed in exile. Who’s going to kill him? Clearly there are people other than his immediate family.)
Now to believe that God created Adam six thousand years ago out of dirt literally is a pretty extreme belief but there are millions of Christians that do. Unfortunately Dawkins bundles up all Christians together so along with these crazies even more, moderate, scientifically literate Christians, like me, get tarred with the same brush.
So I end up getting into discussions with God Delusion carrying reason monkeys who feel its there duty to tell you your wrong. Look, I don’t believe the world is six thousand years old. I know its four and a half billion years old. You don’t need to tell me the bible was written by ordinary people fleshing out a creation myth in a desert trying to make sense of their world because I’ve known this for years.
The thing with atheists today is they, now having found a voice and a rabbi in Dawkins, are in danger of adopting all the smug self-righteous certainty that the faithful have monopolised for years.
Science is a great tool that advances mankind. The scientific model has been instrumental in bringing us to where we are now. We do indeed stand on the shoulders of giants. We live off all that has gone before and because of it we live longer, happier lives in a comfort that our ancestors only dreamed about.
I get all this. I understand the universe needs no God. I understand it all operates quite nicely without an intervening deity. I understand how it evolved from the big bang, how all the laws of physics conspire to create stars, to blow them up in supernovas and to spew the heavier elements out to make us.
I’m not stupid but I’m still not prepared to admit I’m an accident of nature.
The galling thing is neither are most modern atheists. It seems to me they want their cake and to eat it. They are happy to put away their judgemental, authoritarian God however they want to keep all the good stuff. They want to keep their eternal soul. They are quite happy to know they’re not going to hell but the baulk at the idea that they won’t be going anywhere.
The modern atheist and I’ve spoken to more than one that believes this still wants to carry on living after their death. I have heard the argument that the laws of physics are compatible with carrying on your conscience existence after your body dies.
Sounds like a soul to me. Sounds rather religious.
They want to go onto a higher plane, a higher place but they just don’t want to meet God when they get there. The reason monkeys still don’t like the idea that when they die, under their rules, they die. That’s it game over. This is probably the chapter in The God Delusion they skimmed over. Dawkins himself has absolutely no problem with ceasing to exist after brain death.
‘I don’t believe in God but I believe in ghosts.’
Ok.
You’re kind of missing the point.
We’ve become the Gods of our own lives but unfortunately as our own God, making ourselves in our own image doesn’t guarantee us eternal salvation. All it means is we don’t have to follow a bronze age doctrine and won’t be judged according to it. We create our own heaven on earth, live our lives as we choose and then we die. No hell, no fire and brimstone but on the other hand no heaven, no angels and no relaxing, chilled out eternity in the clouds. Worm food. Go back and read Dawkins.
The problem seems to be despite living in a world of reason people get rather attached to themselves. They like their personality, they like what they think and they think they’re special.
We live in a culture where everyone is now led to believe they are some how unique and vital. Look at Jedward. They feel they have the right to their dreams, the right to work in an industry without any of the talents or skills which you’d expect them to posses.
Imagine surgeon idol. 12 wannabe surgeons without any of the skills or training to be a surgeon competing to get a job cutting people up at a hospital.
‘This has always been my dream Simon.’
Would you let them operate on you?
This is why the modern spiritual atheist shy’s away from Buddhism.
Personally I’m rather found of the Buddhist view of enlightenment and the eternal soul. When a Buddhist finally reaches enlightenment and breaks the cycle of re-incarnation their spirit rejoins the universe. Their spirit not their personality.
The personality, Buddhists believe, is a completely false construct that we create during our lives in order to manage them. A needy, whiney wanting computer programme whose sole purpose is to keep our body alive and re-produce.
When a Buddhist achieves enlightenment he/she abandons all earthly, human needs and desires. That’s all of them. Not just possessions and monies. Everything, human attachments, love, grief, sexual desire it all has to go. They leave their personality behind because it is the needs of the self that stops the spirit reaching enlightenment.
This grates against our self obsessed culture. So under the Buddhist model you will, eventually, achieve eternal life with enough work and discipline but it isn’t the you you understand as you because that you, the personality that everyone loves, will die. It merely being an artificial, false yet necessary body manager. The soul, the spirit is your part of the universes’ life force that your body borrows while it has its time on earth. It has no needs or cute quirks. It is elemental and constant.
Whenever I’ve explained this model to people I’ve watched their brows furrow and their noses wrinkle. The idea that they weren’t special, that they were merely a by-product of a much bigger process really irked them. The irony is that Dawkins would argue that we are anything but special. We are all very ordinary and our collective life mass and effect compared to and on the rest of the universe is next to negligible.
Dawkins will argue we’re not special we just really, really, really want to be. He would also say if it makes you happy to think that you are and it doesn’t effect anyone else, you go right ahead.
I’m reminded of the nurse in Weston who got into trouble for asking patients if they wanted her to pray for them. The Daily Mail made a big fuss about the oppression of Christians by the liberal secular society.
Personally I think it was right for her to be disciplined because it isn’t her job to pray for people. It’s her job to administer care, scientific care. If you were ill and your medical professional offered to pray for you you’d shit yourself.
Prayer is the last resort don’t you think?
Fundamentally I think she was wrong as a Christian to feel the need to ask permission. Nowhere in the bible does it state that you need a release form in order to pray for someone. In fact we are told to pray for our enemies so one would feel permission would not be a factor in bringing up a third party in your conversation with God.
What we really have here is a woman who wants everyone to know how pious she is. How god fearing and good and special she is. Asking permission was all about ego and nothing to do with God.
Shit Christian shit Buddhist.
I think my main point is this. We still haven’t put away the idea of God. What we have put away is the need to obey him, to live our lives in away that we would rather not. We don’t want to live by set down rules anymore however we still want all the good stuff promised to us by religion. We’re like naughty little children who want to misbehave all year but still get our Christmas presents.
Like I say I like Dawkins. What he has to say is necessary and intelligent and should be taught in schools. However if you’re going to quote him you have to take on all he has to say. You have to accept your mortality and understand that your time is finite.
You are going to die and then you will be gone. Forever.
Saturday, 21 November 2009
Diatribe of a reactionary old fart
It must be hard being young nowadays. What with being stabbed, the binge drinking and having no job. Needing a dozen A pluses to get into collage and seven or eight A levels to get into a university. No wonder they’re all so annoying.
It seems every day there is a new report coming out reminding us just how fucking awful it is to be young.
Black boys are doing terribly in the school league tables. They’re putting this down to the fact the black youths perceive academic success as, culturally, a white thing. This of course isn’t helping white working class boys who are doing equally as bad. No one told them culturally they should be excelling. The Asian kids are laughing. They’re doing alright but they have the unfair advantage of having parents.
The girls are doing much better. It’s shame that they’re just going to waste it all when they get pregnant.
Confusingly every summer everyone gets A’s.
Children seem to have divided into two groups. Lower class and illiterate with no prospects or middle class and excelling but with devalued exam results because all their peers are doing equally well.
I never got any A's at GCSE. To be honest no one did. Maybe one or two people a class (and they were swotty girls). Now everyone seems to be. This however will not stop them getting stabbed.
It’s not much better for younger kids. Growing up without the security of getting a slap. You see them running wild screaming, knocking stuff over as there doting parents look on, love in their eyes, thinking it’s the cutest thing ever while everyone else simmers in quite resentment.
We find any discipline now will be ignored because a) they’re just expressing themselves and any curtailing of this will damage them in later life or b) any adult talking to them for any reason clearly just wants to molest them.
We are at a stage where you can’t take a picture of your own child in a public places just in case you get someone else’s child in the frame and everyone knows what you’re going to use that picture for. O yeah we know. Pervert.
We’re going to have a whole generation of adults who won’t trust anyone. A professional adult can not be alone with a child anymore unless that is specifically their job description. I know of people who clean schools and if a child walks in and they are the only people in the room they have to leave. They have to walk out and leave the child on their own. Just in case.
Of course there are a lot of nasty bastards out there but they tend to be related to the kids. Sixty children a year are killed by immediate family or extended family. One is killed by a stranger and some years none.
If you really want to protect your kids don’t have any friends or relatives. Probably a good idea to fuck your husband off as well because you know he likes to bath them. Mmm. Dodgy.
So here we are. Sexualised at birth. Spoilt or beaten (depending on your class). Illiterate or with unrealistic life goals (depending on your class). Pregnant or stabbed before you’re twenty.
It used to be good to be a kid. No responsibilities, years to make your mind up what you were going to do. Fisty cuffs that ended in bragging rights and not intensive care and you couldn’t get laid for love or money.
Where were all these rampant, perverted older women when I was 14 eh? I could have done with one and now thinking back I know which one. O yeah. Mrs Grills. She was lurrrvely! If I was at school now I’d be fucking her.
It seems every day there is a new report coming out reminding us just how fucking awful it is to be young.
Black boys are doing terribly in the school league tables. They’re putting this down to the fact the black youths perceive academic success as, culturally, a white thing. This of course isn’t helping white working class boys who are doing equally as bad. No one told them culturally they should be excelling. The Asian kids are laughing. They’re doing alright but they have the unfair advantage of having parents.
The girls are doing much better. It’s shame that they’re just going to waste it all when they get pregnant.
Confusingly every summer everyone gets A’s.
Children seem to have divided into two groups. Lower class and illiterate with no prospects or middle class and excelling but with devalued exam results because all their peers are doing equally well.
I never got any A's at GCSE. To be honest no one did. Maybe one or two people a class (and they were swotty girls). Now everyone seems to be. This however will not stop them getting stabbed.
It’s not much better for younger kids. Growing up without the security of getting a slap. You see them running wild screaming, knocking stuff over as there doting parents look on, love in their eyes, thinking it’s the cutest thing ever while everyone else simmers in quite resentment.
We find any discipline now will be ignored because a) they’re just expressing themselves and any curtailing of this will damage them in later life or b) any adult talking to them for any reason clearly just wants to molest them.
We are at a stage where you can’t take a picture of your own child in a public places just in case you get someone else’s child in the frame and everyone knows what you’re going to use that picture for. O yeah we know. Pervert.
We’re going to have a whole generation of adults who won’t trust anyone. A professional adult can not be alone with a child anymore unless that is specifically their job description. I know of people who clean schools and if a child walks in and they are the only people in the room they have to leave. They have to walk out and leave the child on their own. Just in case.
Of course there are a lot of nasty bastards out there but they tend to be related to the kids. Sixty children a year are killed by immediate family or extended family. One is killed by a stranger and some years none.
If you really want to protect your kids don’t have any friends or relatives. Probably a good idea to fuck your husband off as well because you know he likes to bath them. Mmm. Dodgy.
So here we are. Sexualised at birth. Spoilt or beaten (depending on your class). Illiterate or with unrealistic life goals (depending on your class). Pregnant or stabbed before you’re twenty.
It used to be good to be a kid. No responsibilities, years to make your mind up what you were going to do. Fisty cuffs that ended in bragging rights and not intensive care and you couldn’t get laid for love or money.
Where were all these rampant, perverted older women when I was 14 eh? I could have done with one and now thinking back I know which one. O yeah. Mrs Grills. She was lurrrvely! If I was at school now I’d be fucking her.
Thursday, 19 November 2009
Night owl
It’s late. Quarter to four and the Girlf is asleep. I would be to if I hadn’t passed out after dinner. Helped along nicely by a cheeky whisky consumed far too early in the day. I’m not a drinker but it was there, barely two shots left in the bottle that Justin and I destroyed last week.
Fuck it I thought. Went down lovely it did and was the perfect aperitif to the lounge floor picnic. Unfortunately, as she lay reading, I embraced her and closed my eyes. I was out. Three hours later the house was spotless and my sleep pattern’s completely destroyed. I’m up and she’s going to bed. Nice.
Sitting alone in someone else’s house is weird. There’s not a lot I can do. I could watch TV but I’d have to have it painfully low. If I wake her up she’ll turn into a monster. She does a very good incredible hulk impersonation. So I’m sat here respectfully quiet.
You become very aware you’re not in your own place. I love my squat. It’s falling apart but all that I have is there. It looks like an absolute mess but trust me it’s a very complex and evolved filing system. It may look like a jumble of plates and clothes piled up on stacks of paper but I know exactly where everything is.
The Woman cleaned the place a few weeks ago and, to be fair, it looked immaculate but I was fucked for days. I couldn’t find a single thing. I’m not exaggerating. Everything I needed had vanished into thin air.
‘I put everything in the little cupboard. It’ll be in there.’
Umm no. I think you’ll find it isn’t. There are birthday cards off of my ex from two years ago but the gas bill that arrived last week has mysteriously disappeared.
It’s taken me over a month to get it back to the way I like it but at least the shower’s clean I suppose.
I’ve been at mine for nearly a decade I know every creak of every floor board. I understand the acoustics of the place subconsciously so I don’t wake her up when she’s there.
This place is treacherous, it hasn’t yet accepted me. It amplifies everything I do and wakes the Kraken in the other room.
New builds see. Made out of fucking paper.
My old place is lush. You can’t hear anything from room to room. This place puts four stone on me. I sound like a fat man jogging when I nip downstairs to the loo. I’m frightened to move around.
See, see! Every time I have a burst of typing I can hear her turn over and mumble in the other room. Nasty, disloyal, house. It’s because I’m a man. The oestrogen from the three women who live here has seeped into it’s walls. The place even feels pink. It clearly hates me.
Now I’m wondering if it’s acceptable to put on babe station on her telly. Is it the done thing to watch soft porn on your girlfriends TV? I won’t need the sound for that but it seems a little cheeky. Like using her phone without asking permission.
God this is annoying. If I go to bed I’ll probably wake her up. I have to climb over her because she can’t sleep next to the wall and that will unleash the whinge. Bugger.
I think I’m going to risk it...
Fuck it I thought. Went down lovely it did and was the perfect aperitif to the lounge floor picnic. Unfortunately, as she lay reading, I embraced her and closed my eyes. I was out. Three hours later the house was spotless and my sleep pattern’s completely destroyed. I’m up and she’s going to bed. Nice.
Sitting alone in someone else’s house is weird. There’s not a lot I can do. I could watch TV but I’d have to have it painfully low. If I wake her up she’ll turn into a monster. She does a very good incredible hulk impersonation. So I’m sat here respectfully quiet.
You become very aware you’re not in your own place. I love my squat. It’s falling apart but all that I have is there. It looks like an absolute mess but trust me it’s a very complex and evolved filing system. It may look like a jumble of plates and clothes piled up on stacks of paper but I know exactly where everything is.
The Woman cleaned the place a few weeks ago and, to be fair, it looked immaculate but I was fucked for days. I couldn’t find a single thing. I’m not exaggerating. Everything I needed had vanished into thin air.
‘I put everything in the little cupboard. It’ll be in there.’
Umm no. I think you’ll find it isn’t. There are birthday cards off of my ex from two years ago but the gas bill that arrived last week has mysteriously disappeared.
It’s taken me over a month to get it back to the way I like it but at least the shower’s clean I suppose.
I’ve been at mine for nearly a decade I know every creak of every floor board. I understand the acoustics of the place subconsciously so I don’t wake her up when she’s there.
This place is treacherous, it hasn’t yet accepted me. It amplifies everything I do and wakes the Kraken in the other room.
New builds see. Made out of fucking paper.
My old place is lush. You can’t hear anything from room to room. This place puts four stone on me. I sound like a fat man jogging when I nip downstairs to the loo. I’m frightened to move around.
See, see! Every time I have a burst of typing I can hear her turn over and mumble in the other room. Nasty, disloyal, house. It’s because I’m a man. The oestrogen from the three women who live here has seeped into it’s walls. The place even feels pink. It clearly hates me.
Now I’m wondering if it’s acceptable to put on babe station on her telly. Is it the done thing to watch soft porn on your girlfriends TV? I won’t need the sound for that but it seems a little cheeky. Like using her phone without asking permission.
God this is annoying. If I go to bed I’ll probably wake her up. I have to climb over her because she can’t sleep next to the wall and that will unleash the whinge. Bugger.
I think I’m going to risk it...
Man about the house
Quarter past twelve and I’m around the Girlf’s. The Woman’s. Mmm. The day hasn’t started well. The Girlf rang me half an hour ago. Every day for the last year I’ve woken up and text her a ‘morning gorgeous’ yet today, even though no such text was forthcoming she assumed I was awake. Bearing in mind she knew I was up until half three blogging.
This woman is phenomenally intelligent but it’s galling that she can slip straight into dumb woman mode at the slightest provocation.
So I’m awake, ranting and when I calm down I ask her what she wants.
‘O nothing. I just wanted to see if you were awake.’
Well I fucking am now aren’t I!
I continue my rant and throw in a few insults then I tell her I’m going to have a shower...with the door open.
She informs me that I clearly want a slap
So here I am listening to Five Live on my laptop because there isn’t a TV control. There’s never a TV control. Even the rare occasions that there is a TV control the batteries are missing because there is only one set of batteries to go around.
Of course none of the controls have backs on them so if there are no batteries they may simply be lost not otherwise appropriated. The Girlf spends about thirty pounds a week on chocolates and cakes and other confectionaries but when she is shopping at Morrison’s for these things she always neglects to buy dustbin liners, washing up liquid (the current one is half a bottle brought around from mine at short notice) and of course bloody batteries. If you’re in the mood for chocolate covered cornflakes or Pringles you’re laughing however if you fancy throwing the rubbish out, washing up and maybe watching a bit of telly you’re fucked.
Five Live is pretty good though today. There was a short piece on prostitution and it’s still all OUR fault. See prostitution is a very bad thing but the prostitutes, of course, aren’t bad people it’s just all those horrible men creating a demand. The bastards.
There was a male escort on who told everyone to shut up. He loves his job, he hadn’t been coerced into it. He just loves doing it. It suits his high sex drive. He’s won awards for his work, it pays well and he has plenty of free time.
I’ve considered it myself but funnily the Girlf objects.
This woman is phenomenally intelligent but it’s galling that she can slip straight into dumb woman mode at the slightest provocation.
So I’m awake, ranting and when I calm down I ask her what she wants.
‘O nothing. I just wanted to see if you were awake.’
Well I fucking am now aren’t I!
I continue my rant and throw in a few insults then I tell her I’m going to have a shower...with the door open.
She informs me that I clearly want a slap
So here I am listening to Five Live on my laptop because there isn’t a TV control. There’s never a TV control. Even the rare occasions that there is a TV control the batteries are missing because there is only one set of batteries to go around.
Of course none of the controls have backs on them so if there are no batteries they may simply be lost not otherwise appropriated. The Girlf spends about thirty pounds a week on chocolates and cakes and other confectionaries but when she is shopping at Morrison’s for these things she always neglects to buy dustbin liners, washing up liquid (the current one is half a bottle brought around from mine at short notice) and of course bloody batteries. If you’re in the mood for chocolate covered cornflakes or Pringles you’re laughing however if you fancy throwing the rubbish out, washing up and maybe watching a bit of telly you’re fucked.
Five Live is pretty good though today. There was a short piece on prostitution and it’s still all OUR fault. See prostitution is a very bad thing but the prostitutes, of course, aren’t bad people it’s just all those horrible men creating a demand. The bastards.
There was a male escort on who told everyone to shut up. He loves his job, he hadn’t been coerced into it. He just loves doing it. It suits his high sex drive. He’s won awards for his work, it pays well and he has plenty of free time.
I’ve considered it myself but funnily the Girlf objects.
Wednesday, 18 November 2009
New Moon or They've cut the balls off of Dracula
New moon is released tomorrow. Twilight Two: The sequel. Now I realise women are going to hate me for this and especially THE woman is going to hate me for this but what the fuck has happened to the modern vampire? The genre is fucked. They have, it seems, cut the balls off of Dracula.
Some clarification is needed here. When I was young I wanted to be a vampire. I would have loved to be a vampire. The scene that clinched it for me was the window scene from Salem’s Lot. The kiddie floating at the window begging to be let in. Those fucked up soulless eyes. What can I say I was a fucked up kid.
Vampires were cool. Look at Blade. Vampires don’t give a fuck. Vampires don’t need to give a fuck. They eat people for Gods sake. They are top of the food chain.
Dracula was a metaphor for sexual temptation. The lure of corruption. His bite ment death but it also gave his victims the biggest orgasm of their life. They went from innocent Victorian girls to sexual predators. The vampires bite freed you from all society’s constraints. You no longer had to obey anyone else’s rules. Dracula gave you the ultimate freedom to stand apart and do what ever you damn well pleased. You were strong, immortal, your eyes hypnotic you could have anybody you wanted. Feared yet totally irresistible you became a true creature of the night in every sense of the word. Very appealing to a 14 year old boy.
So what’s happened? Why now do vampires now hang around schools falling in love with miserable 16 year old Emo chicks. How can vampires sparkle in daylight? Vampires should be spontaneously combusting in daylight not sparkling. He’s not a necklace he’s the living fucking dead. Incidentally why is a 90 year old guy hanging around a school falling in love with barely legal girls? I’m sixty years younger than Edward and if I tried that they’d be calling the police. What does he see in her? Why would anyone over the age of twenty want to date a teenager. It would be carnage. He has the life experience of a 90 year old he would, in truth, run a mile.
Edward is a pussy. He doesn’t bite people. He wears skinny jeans and he falls in love with the first girl that looks at him. That is so cool isn’t it? Like the grandparents who fought Hitler, who despair at their moaning, teary, weak grandchildren, Dracula must look at Edward and think what the fuck happened. Is this my legacy? This pussy is what I’ve become. Top trump (killing power 100) to soppy teenage wank fantasy in a hundred years. I’m wondering, as I write, if the werewolves in this new film are also vegetarian?
There was a time when Goths modelled themselves on vampires. It seems now vampires are modelled on Goths.
Some clarification is needed here. When I was young I wanted to be a vampire. I would have loved to be a vampire. The scene that clinched it for me was the window scene from Salem’s Lot. The kiddie floating at the window begging to be let in. Those fucked up soulless eyes. What can I say I was a fucked up kid.
Vampires were cool. Look at Blade. Vampires don’t give a fuck. Vampires don’t need to give a fuck. They eat people for Gods sake. They are top of the food chain.
Dracula was a metaphor for sexual temptation. The lure of corruption. His bite ment death but it also gave his victims the biggest orgasm of their life. They went from innocent Victorian girls to sexual predators. The vampires bite freed you from all society’s constraints. You no longer had to obey anyone else’s rules. Dracula gave you the ultimate freedom to stand apart and do what ever you damn well pleased. You were strong, immortal, your eyes hypnotic you could have anybody you wanted. Feared yet totally irresistible you became a true creature of the night in every sense of the word. Very appealing to a 14 year old boy.
So what’s happened? Why now do vampires now hang around schools falling in love with miserable 16 year old Emo chicks. How can vampires sparkle in daylight? Vampires should be spontaneously combusting in daylight not sparkling. He’s not a necklace he’s the living fucking dead. Incidentally why is a 90 year old guy hanging around a school falling in love with barely legal girls? I’m sixty years younger than Edward and if I tried that they’d be calling the police. What does he see in her? Why would anyone over the age of twenty want to date a teenager. It would be carnage. He has the life experience of a 90 year old he would, in truth, run a mile.
Edward is a pussy. He doesn’t bite people. He wears skinny jeans and he falls in love with the first girl that looks at him. That is so cool isn’t it? Like the grandparents who fought Hitler, who despair at their moaning, teary, weak grandchildren, Dracula must look at Edward and think what the fuck happened. Is this my legacy? This pussy is what I’ve become. Top trump (killing power 100) to soppy teenage wank fantasy in a hundred years. I’m wondering, as I write, if the werewolves in this new film are also vegetarian?
There was a time when Goths modelled themselves on vampires. It seems now vampires are modelled on Goths.
Coffee and ecstacy
Fair that was easy. The first, tentative, awkward post out of the way. Now I sit comfortably on my sofa, tension ebbing away. One way or another I've sat in front of this laptop for six hours today! Six bloody hours and six cups of coffee. I drink far to much coffee but yet I'm strangely very chilled out. Without coffee I'd probably be asleep. I have no time for those that blame their drug intake for their mood and behaviour. The Greeks say to know the fruit of tree you must water it well. Or to put it another way a drunk prick is generally a prick but the alcohol has brought down his inhibitions.
Personally I haven't been a drunk prick for years. Years and years. My twenties were a work of art. I was on a mission. No insult left un uttered for I was obsessed with truth and the truth hurt. To be brutally honest I intended it to hurt. Emotional and embittered, double vodka and redbull in hand, no one was safe. women were dis respected and men insulted. Thinking about it, considering I couldn't fight to save my life back then I'm surprised I didn't get my head kicked in. Training and age has tempered me.
My point being I was a prick because I was a prick not because I was drunk. The drinking was down to my ill will and an excuse for my mis behaviour. I was a naughty boy because I wanted to be.
Of course now I'm a good boy. I hardly drink and my druggie days are a distant memory. I suppose I've become old and boring not that throwing up in the street is particularly interesting mind. but it's good for the soul and good for the body. in January I will give up smoking and you can close the lid on me. Enfant terrible to boring middle age cunt in 15 short years.
But wait. We all know I'm still capable. There is still the lure to waste a night in the middle of a sweaty dance floor. Feeling the bass penetrating my very core. Feeling the rushes up and down my spine. O the desire is still there. My partners in crime may have put on their comfortable slippers but this old quaver hasn't forgotten.
Personally I haven't been a drunk prick for years. Years and years. My twenties were a work of art. I was on a mission. No insult left un uttered for I was obsessed with truth and the truth hurt. To be brutally honest I intended it to hurt. Emotional and embittered, double vodka and redbull in hand, no one was safe. women were dis respected and men insulted. Thinking about it, considering I couldn't fight to save my life back then I'm surprised I didn't get my head kicked in. Training and age has tempered me.
My point being I was a prick because I was a prick not because I was drunk. The drinking was down to my ill will and an excuse for my mis behaviour. I was a naughty boy because I wanted to be.
Of course now I'm a good boy. I hardly drink and my druggie days are a distant memory. I suppose I've become old and boring not that throwing up in the street is particularly interesting mind. but it's good for the soul and good for the body. in January I will give up smoking and you can close the lid on me. Enfant terrible to boring middle age cunt in 15 short years.
But wait. We all know I'm still capable. There is still the lure to waste a night in the middle of a sweaty dance floor. Feeling the bass penetrating my very core. Feeling the rushes up and down my spine. O the desire is still there. My partners in crime may have put on their comfortable slippers but this old quaver hasn't forgotten.
An empty room with white walls
Well this is interesting. Here I am in cyberspace about to set down my words and its all a little bit overwhelming. And my a doesn't work properly. Mmm. What do I set out to do with this? I suppose it will degenerate into rants and general musings and probably a lot of blah that I'll tire with. We will see won't we?
Welcome to all. Welcome to anyone reading this. My name is Stelios and I am 37 years old even though I generally feel about fifteen. Today I have been writing. 1000 words that although enjoyable they aren't really going anywhere. I suspect I'll return to them but without a story, and believe me there is no story, they are just becoming poetic flourishes. Soap bubble ideas. Glimmering and fragile. Mere moments. Well I'm enjoying it so that's OK.
I'm intrigued by my ability to write. I've sat in front of computers for years. Sat in front of word hating that blank page with nothing to put on it but lately I've been churning them out and I'm liking it. Maybe there is something in here. Maybe the woman inspires me. I think that might be it. Quite possibly. She challenges and cajoles. Pushes me out of my cosy little rut. Pulls the duvet off my complacency.... god she can be infuriating.
My a is still playing up. I blame her. It was fine on Monday before she got her heavy, chubby little fingers on it. She clanks. Heavy, heavy typing. she bludgeons the words on to the page. Forces them out with feminist authority. This will be read! Right this is my first post. I will post it and check it out. There will be more.......
Welcome to all. Welcome to anyone reading this. My name is Stelios and I am 37 years old even though I generally feel about fifteen. Today I have been writing. 1000 words that although enjoyable they aren't really going anywhere. I suspect I'll return to them but without a story, and believe me there is no story, they are just becoming poetic flourishes. Soap bubble ideas. Glimmering and fragile. Mere moments. Well I'm enjoying it so that's OK.
I'm intrigued by my ability to write. I've sat in front of computers for years. Sat in front of word hating that blank page with nothing to put on it but lately I've been churning them out and I'm liking it. Maybe there is something in here. Maybe the woman inspires me. I think that might be it. Quite possibly. She challenges and cajoles. Pushes me out of my cosy little rut. Pulls the duvet off my complacency.... god she can be infuriating.
My a is still playing up. I blame her. It was fine on Monday before she got her heavy, chubby little fingers on it. She clanks. Heavy, heavy typing. she bludgeons the words on to the page. Forces them out with feminist authority. This will be read! Right this is my first post. I will post it and check it out. There will be more.......
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